I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
