I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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