I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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