just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
