i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
