Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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