Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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