I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize