I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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