Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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