i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
