If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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