i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
