I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
