Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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