if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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