I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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