im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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