she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
