I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
