Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
