His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
