Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
