He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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