Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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