Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
