I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
