you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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