your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
