he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
