The maid of honor just puked.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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