what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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