I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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