There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
