I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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