It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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