No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
