I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
