god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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