Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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