I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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