I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
