I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
