Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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