Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
