Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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