I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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