Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
