my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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