This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
