Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
