me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
