so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
