My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize