I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
