Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
