last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
