Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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