In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
