I hate all girls vehemently.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
