so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
