when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize