We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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